She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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