I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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