Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
