What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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