I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
