Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
