In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
