Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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