I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
