It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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