I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
