I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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