It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
