My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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