Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Randomize