I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize
