I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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