i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
