I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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