You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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