he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I CAN MOONWALK!
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
