Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
