Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
