I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
