I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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