So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
