i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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