Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
