I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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