i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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