Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
