i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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