I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
