apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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