someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
