why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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