i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
