Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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