in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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