I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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