I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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