Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
