So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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