I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
