I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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