the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
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He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
