Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
