How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize