The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
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