Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize