Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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