oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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