We're like a lot better than the average bears
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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