I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
