the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
whose parrot is this?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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