FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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