Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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