my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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