i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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