Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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