I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
