I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
