Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize