Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
