i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
