Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
