just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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