i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
